internet

so i got internet, here is some action from day one....i didn't do much work, lots of reading, coffee, fam time and some cerveza.
click for pics

outie

i am off to Nicaragua - in Houston on a layover currently.
This will by my first time in a few years where I haven't even had the option to work. There will be no internet, no phone service - nada. This has me a little tense in a way, but I am looking forward to it.

I will be staying at a pretty rad place - check it out here - and it will be totally different than what I have ever done. It has the mix of mountains, beach, and rain forest which is a cool mix. It's also giant sea turtle mating season which takes place on the beach where we are staying - so that should be interesting.

Look for pics upon my return. CS Lewis and Francis Schaeffer are going to be keeping me company. (along with some good fam time)

abandoned heart

I didn't get to go to Texas this year for Thanksgiving, but did get to hang out with a great family about an hour and half north of Atlanta. Despite some traffic I had a great drive there, through some uncharted territory for me - which is always fun. I am very blessed to have a navigation system that allows me to just drive, not really care where I am going or how I am getting from A to B - but I can drive and ponder and wonder.

On this particular drive I saw an unusual amount of abandoned homes - and it wasn't due to the latest housing market downturn, but rather these homes have not been lived in for years. The famous GA Kudzu plant growing all over many I couldn't help but wonder what happened? Was it a financial issue the family had? How could a house just go cold - no interaction - no upkeep - no Thanksgiving meals.....then all of a sudden it hit me - could this be the case with an individuals' heart? And louder it rang, my heart?

Could it be abandoned? Forgotten? Would I, the "land owner," recognize it's significance and let it go? In certain seasons I know this has been true, it's tiring to actually stay tuned to your heart. It takes quite, good conversations, listening, struggles, understanding who it is God says I am to actually have a barometer as to how your/my heart is doing.

I blame busyness, but it's no real alibi. It is an unknowing culprit sure, but the part of my heart that wants to be known, loved, not abandoned sometimes loses to the heart that wants nothing to do with warmth, or friendly faces - rather it wants dark, secrets, it's own "law"......

No real conclusion here except for the fact that we need be ware of our own heart's wanderings, to abandon your own heart is an option you have. It's one the old self desires stronger than anything, the old self is put to death by the new self that is Christ.

"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life" - Prov 4:23

bachelor pad

so this is just a random post about my bachelor pad - I wasn't feeling too hot at work so I came home to wrap up. Turns out some single ladies were waiting for me.




there were about 50 on the wall....still not sure how exactly i will remove them without killing them......any ideas? a weird bug issue to have.

ergh

sometimes you are just lost for words - to God, one another, yourself. Something in your stomach says to "speak up" - but everything else contradicts it. Perhaps it's because silence is awkward, or conventional wisdom says "that would make them feel weird", either way you let the moment pass and you regret it.
but you're not sure why - we're you to be fast friends with that person you let pass, perhaps meet a "soul mate", entertain an angel, or just have a conversation with the above? No telling, but you regret it.

Regret is a horrible feeling, it makes my stomach hurt.
I live with it too often, yet feel like it may be a healthy barometer at times because I believe my expectations, that are consistently unmet by myself and companions, are way off. My expectations live in a microwave, as I have this deep entitlement syndrome that is like a crack addict looking for their next hit - and will do anything to get it.
If I didn't have regret on any level, it would mean (given my current soul situation) that I am doing some things that are detrimental to my soul's long term health. If I just acted on every nudge, and didn't "chicken out" what shape would I be in today?

I often thanks God for my weird pubescent years - I would have probably slept with anyone that would have given me a chance - so glad that no one would. Granted i still struggle with what the world calls self esteem from this period of time - however I would rather struggle with that versus some other items that would have come from having my way then.

perhaps this doesn't make sense or perhaps your wondering why is roy blogging about this....either way, thanks for reading.

get-a-way

sometimes we just have to get away, get some time to think.....this past saturday I had that opportunity. growing up in Houston i didn't get the chance to enjoy any kind of topography, an occasional hill due to some unsightly drainage ditch or something was the extent of it.
now I can be at a place like this in about an hour and half and exhale......

exhale is what I don't do much as of late. my chest just feels this constant compression, one that grows day by day until I can't breath any more - creativity stunted, conversations have run dry, and spiritually anemic. while spiritual disciplines have their place, so do spiritual liberations - nature is this for me.

picture of the falls from the suspension bridge






my two preferred shoe styles






an overlook at a set of falls








the colors are out, and calling your name

human condition

There is this "something" (a need) that we constantly seek. The something recognized usually possesses all three characteristics from my perspective;
a) the need recognition does not always come in the same form or fashion (lonely, jealous, tired, waiting for something different, desire to be loved, etc)
b) it fails to ever be completely met (The need I had was met, yet I am still left wanting. Or if the need was met I am still left wanting in another category, that did not exist prior. Defined:I am lonely but I now I have someone, yet I still need something. I am still lonely or come to find out it was something completely different.)
c) it fails to be completely defined, aka there is this unrest at the soul level and I cant possibly put words to.

Many of my conversations this week have had this similar trait to them, lots of us (me in the middle) are suffering from disappointment. Disappointment to a variety of degrees - however disappointment none the less. There are redemptive aspects to our disappointment however - the fact that we long for a condition that is not met completely is a divine message I believe. On this side of life (meaning, life never ends - I believe in the infinite therefore there are just different stages of life) my need will never fully be realized or met, however I have been given a enough taste of the heavens to know that I am not yet home.