soft my soul says

subtle sounds appease the ear. nothing boisterous, or loud, or arrogant. my soul can't handle it, Yo-yo ma has become my friend as of late.

it wanders to and fro. often dissapointed, settling for thirds versus firsts. i see older men and all of a sudden understand.

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them. -thoreau

Losing wonder and sleep you stubtly find that the tides have carried you off course. The destination is somewhere over the horizon, however you have no clue which horizon. You climb many a peak only to find it absent, despite what the marketing messages scream.

however, there is a hope that does not dissapoint. I have never been dissapointed by it, however I have found my self dissapointed by not buying it. I don't lay my head to rest there, however it is where i fall. Not gracefully, might I add. Not to be mentioned on the resume of life or on a first date, i find my falling an area of non-discussion. i am proud. therefore i am shamed. i think much of self, therefore think too much of self. not necessarly thinking less of myself, just wanting to think of my self less and in proper context of the Story at large.

other news
a question that has no answer can either be; A) definitionally impossible; ie. can God create a rock so big he can't move it? - this is like asking him to create a square circle or B) a relative inquiry into the eternal that the temporal facilities can not fathom therefore it is perceived to be a non-answer.

I find A to be what I ask of friends and both A & B to be what I ask of God.

patterns of speech

could be called poetry, prose to be more specific, or just conversation.

each of us carry a number of traits (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc) that, if you truly watch a person, break forth in interaction. If you see the person enough, and you see them through some varying seasons in life, their communication becomes one large canvas made up of patterns.

I have attempted to observe the pattern that I put forth day in & day out. I know when eye contact is broken and what it means for me and what I do afterwards. I know that when I get teary I look to the ground and when I am thinking I look at the sky. I stumble on my words when I don't believe in them fully or I believe them so dearly they make for rocks in my throat.

I have observed my pattern of speech with the creator as well. I know that the conversation largely centers around the "weather" because I feel guilty. I know that I shake my head when His grace is loud and that I hide when His grace seems quiet.

I know your pattern of conversation if I love you. I like mannerisms, I always have. I like bugging people because that's when they come out most (also when they are thinking and they think no ones is looking).

smaller things

it's just not there and you know it.
you muster, you fight, you ask - the luster is gone. You don't know where it went and how to get it back.

You treat puddles like oceans and grazes like embraces.
you must settle for the smaller things, the quieter things. not the things in movies, not the things epics are written about, but the things that are real.

state of the union.

learning

i don't know if i am getting wiser per-say, but i am learning alot. I would attribute the word wise to the knowledge of reality/truth compared to your actions in light of that knowledge/truth, the narrower that gap the more wise you are. Simply stated, its the practical knowledge that you put into practice.

I think back on actions I have taken and simply blush or do this thing with my head where i shake it, this can also be seen if you watch me while listening to radiohead. Translated, I have had many not-so-wise moments.

Wisdom can consciously be applied to a situation, or a series of events, that call you to make a decision. However, the application of wisdom will meet opposition if this actual application of wisdom has not: a) ever been attempted by you personally b) is highly emotional c) you just don't feel like being wise.

Life has called for more wisdom as of late. I welcome it, hoping it does not cause another radiohead action somewhere down the road.