disappointed (Part 1 of 2)

I feel like there is a plague of disappointment amongst my generation. broken hearts and broken souls, left wandering what happened to life - where did it go?

Did you ever have it? Do you have it now?

I, we, are always found wanting. Wanting what? - Anything, Something, this void does not disappear. In but the warmest night the heart grow cold still. While every circumstance may be in my favor, still I yearn for more. It's just not complete. What's not complete? Me, Something, It - I can't put words to it, but I capitalize It because It is Something - it's there and we groan.

I read in Romans 10 that whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.
Do I agree with this?

I must admit I have been disappointed since I have been a christian. I must admit that I have cursed this plight called christianity at times. I feel like being human is a disappointment to a certain degree. A heart that wanders for certain escapades surely finds it plans spoiled at some point, and it's always untimely. For what pleasure is more important than the one that lay just outside our grasp at that given moment? I constantly find my reach too short.

part 2 coming in a few.....

nut-zo

I sit alone on the top floor of Chelsea Coffeehouse in Seabrook, Tx. Accompanied by old paintings, even older leather couches, and the sound of cheer from the 1st floor wine bar. It's a recent discovery of what has existed in my backyard for years, this is one of the best places I have ever had a cup of coffee.

This season is a bit weird for me. I just find much of the premise uncomfortable; perhaps it's my family and traditions or perhaps it's some unrest in my soul - either way, a certain awkwardness cannot be avoided. This is going to sound far more noble than it is, but please don't be deceived I am a wretch!! I would much rather give than receive. I can't stand getting gifts, they make me feel weird. This one time I went to England to work with some kids and it was out in the stix and I remember they thought we were famous because we were from Texas - long story short they wanted our autographs. I just had this sense of utter embarrassment and I can't explain why. All this to say, I feel the same way when I get a gift.

So I am in this coffee shop contemplating some items in Romans 6, especially towards the end where he starts talking about death and life, benefits and sucky things - this along side the sense of awkward described above. Paul goes on to throw out this idea of a gift, a free gift. One that I didn't earn. I know that if I look at my record or my cool shoes or my piles of cash (hardly) or my perfect yo-yo skills (I challenge you to a yo-yo show down - takers?) doesn't get me there. The outcome of this, or as it says what I derive, is eternal life. I can't comprehend that, but I am pretty sure it's rad the last time I checked.

So how do I accept gifts now? I find that accepting Gifts from God is much like getting a gift from my distant relative or a kid asking of an autograph in middle of nowhere England - I have an immediate knee jerk reaction to it. Who am I that you would do that? Hey kid there are like millions of us in Texas, why in the cheey hay do you want my autograph? Yo God, you are God - get the memo? I'm Roy and last time I checked I pretty much take care of me and just sit around - I didn't do much to deserve this gift that you have given me!?

something about me wants to earn everything or be entitled to it - but with grace neither are an option. it's hard for me, this season is a class room session in grace.

casa

i got to houston today. the last few times I have come home I have wigged out a little. something about my old stomping grounds, cramming as many social interactions into a few days as possible, and the thought that this is no longer home for me somehow culminates to a sense of anxiety.

this time it's going to be different, not sure why just yet, but just has a different air about it. time will tell.

on the way to the coffee pot

the philosophical understanding that we exist to not only pursue knowledge of the above but also to understand it in context of every day social dynamics as it pertains to my being within the sphere that I know to be true suggested through empirical evidence that must be subjected to the law of; non-contradiction , excluded middle, and identity, making one sure that coffee can truly be poured and enjoyed.

cream please.

other
i am in a good spot right now. haven't been in this good of "spot" in at least a year. i can't describe some of my recent affinities and new distastes, however they are poignant and pressing. these affinities rearrange my mind and these distastes draw me nearer still to a God who loves me both in the spot and out of the spot.
I of course would rather be in the spot than out; i sleep better, both goofier and more professional, make better eye contact, less fidgety, amongst some other spiritual things.

I find the fruit of the following in 2 Cor.
I am enjoying my time here, no rush for it to pass- however I have found my self out of the spot so often it is glaring when i am in it.
more of a reason to drink more coffee.

child like

my trip was great, it accompanied good company, fantastic views, and lots of time for peace and quite. one thing that must go mentioned was the chance I had to play with Maddie. From her singing dress (put your right _____ in, take your right___ out,.........) to her witty remarks, she gave me the chance to let loose. Not caring if what I said was proper or made sense, I could just be goofy. What a release from every day affairs, where my lawn must be kept right and my speech superb. While she didn't ask me the deepest questions i felt like she touched the deep, a child can sense things no adult can. While she has no clue what I do for work or what college I went to - she knows me far more than an acquaintance peer who met me the other day at a social event who sized me up (as I did them).

No pressure, no expectations - she just wanted to play.
-link-

home

New Nicaragua pics, too tired to write something right now.....and yes, i am a professional monkey caller.

Nicaragua