disappointed (Part 1 of 2)

I feel like there is a plague of disappointment amongst my generation. broken hearts and broken souls, left wandering what happened to life - where did it go?

Did you ever have it? Do you have it now?

I, we, are always found wanting. Wanting what? - Anything, Something, this void does not disappear. In but the warmest night the heart grow cold still. While every circumstance may be in my favor, still I yearn for more. It's just not complete. What's not complete? Me, Something, It - I can't put words to it, but I capitalize It because It is Something - it's there and we groan.

I read in Romans 10 that whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.
Do I agree with this?

I must admit I have been disappointed since I have been a christian. I must admit that I have cursed this plight called christianity at times. I feel like being human is a disappointment to a certain degree. A heart that wanders for certain escapades surely finds it plans spoiled at some point, and it's always untimely. For what pleasure is more important than the one that lay just outside our grasp at that given moment? I constantly find my reach too short.

part 2 coming in a few.....

nut-zo

I sit alone on the top floor of Chelsea Coffeehouse in Seabrook, Tx. Accompanied by old paintings, even older leather couches, and the sound of cheer from the 1st floor wine bar. It's a recent discovery of what has existed in my backyard for years, this is one of the best places I have ever had a cup of coffee.

This season is a bit weird for me. I just find much of the premise uncomfortable; perhaps it's my family and traditions or perhaps it's some unrest in my soul - either way, a certain awkwardness cannot be avoided. This is going to sound far more noble than it is, but please don't be deceived I am a wretch!! I would much rather give than receive. I can't stand getting gifts, they make me feel weird. This one time I went to England to work with some kids and it was out in the stix and I remember they thought we were famous because we were from Texas - long story short they wanted our autographs. I just had this sense of utter embarrassment and I can't explain why. All this to say, I feel the same way when I get a gift.

So I am in this coffee shop contemplating some items in Romans 6, especially towards the end where he starts talking about death and life, benefits and sucky things - this along side the sense of awkward described above. Paul goes on to throw out this idea of a gift, a free gift. One that I didn't earn. I know that if I look at my record or my cool shoes or my piles of cash (hardly) or my perfect yo-yo skills (I challenge you to a yo-yo show down - takers?) doesn't get me there. The outcome of this, or as it says what I derive, is eternal life. I can't comprehend that, but I am pretty sure it's rad the last time I checked.

So how do I accept gifts now? I find that accepting Gifts from God is much like getting a gift from my distant relative or a kid asking of an autograph in middle of nowhere England - I have an immediate knee jerk reaction to it. Who am I that you would do that? Hey kid there are like millions of us in Texas, why in the cheey hay do you want my autograph? Yo God, you are God - get the memo? I'm Roy and last time I checked I pretty much take care of me and just sit around - I didn't do much to deserve this gift that you have given me!?

something about me wants to earn everything or be entitled to it - but with grace neither are an option. it's hard for me, this season is a class room session in grace.

casa

i got to houston today. the last few times I have come home I have wigged out a little. something about my old stomping grounds, cramming as many social interactions into a few days as possible, and the thought that this is no longer home for me somehow culminates to a sense of anxiety.

this time it's going to be different, not sure why just yet, but just has a different air about it. time will tell.

on the way to the coffee pot

the philosophical understanding that we exist to not only pursue knowledge of the above but also to understand it in context of every day social dynamics as it pertains to my being within the sphere that I know to be true suggested through empirical evidence that must be subjected to the law of; non-contradiction , excluded middle, and identity, making one sure that coffee can truly be poured and enjoyed.

cream please.

other
i am in a good spot right now. haven't been in this good of "spot" in at least a year. i can't describe some of my recent affinities and new distastes, however they are poignant and pressing. these affinities rearrange my mind and these distastes draw me nearer still to a God who loves me both in the spot and out of the spot.
I of course would rather be in the spot than out; i sleep better, both goofier and more professional, make better eye contact, less fidgety, amongst some other spiritual things.

I find the fruit of the following in 2 Cor.
I am enjoying my time here, no rush for it to pass- however I have found my self out of the spot so often it is glaring when i am in it.
more of a reason to drink more coffee.

child like

my trip was great, it accompanied good company, fantastic views, and lots of time for peace and quite. one thing that must go mentioned was the chance I had to play with Maddie. From her singing dress (put your right _____ in, take your right___ out,.........) to her witty remarks, she gave me the chance to let loose. Not caring if what I said was proper or made sense, I could just be goofy. What a release from every day affairs, where my lawn must be kept right and my speech superb. While she didn't ask me the deepest questions i felt like she touched the deep, a child can sense things no adult can. While she has no clue what I do for work or what college I went to - she knows me far more than an acquaintance peer who met me the other day at a social event who sized me up (as I did them).

No pressure, no expectations - she just wanted to play.
-link-

home

New Nicaragua pics, too tired to write something right now.....and yes, i am a professional monkey caller.

Nicaragua

internet

so i got internet, here is some action from day one....i didn't do much work, lots of reading, coffee, fam time and some cerveza.
click for pics

outie

i am off to Nicaragua - in Houston on a layover currently.
This will by my first time in a few years where I haven't even had the option to work. There will be no internet, no phone service - nada. This has me a little tense in a way, but I am looking forward to it.

I will be staying at a pretty rad place - check it out here - and it will be totally different than what I have ever done. It has the mix of mountains, beach, and rain forest which is a cool mix. It's also giant sea turtle mating season which takes place on the beach where we are staying - so that should be interesting.

Look for pics upon my return. CS Lewis and Francis Schaeffer are going to be keeping me company. (along with some good fam time)

abandoned heart

I didn't get to go to Texas this year for Thanksgiving, but did get to hang out with a great family about an hour and half north of Atlanta. Despite some traffic I had a great drive there, through some uncharted territory for me - which is always fun. I am very blessed to have a navigation system that allows me to just drive, not really care where I am going or how I am getting from A to B - but I can drive and ponder and wonder.

On this particular drive I saw an unusual amount of abandoned homes - and it wasn't due to the latest housing market downturn, but rather these homes have not been lived in for years. The famous GA Kudzu plant growing all over many I couldn't help but wonder what happened? Was it a financial issue the family had? How could a house just go cold - no interaction - no upkeep - no Thanksgiving meals.....then all of a sudden it hit me - could this be the case with an individuals' heart? And louder it rang, my heart?

Could it be abandoned? Forgotten? Would I, the "land owner," recognize it's significance and let it go? In certain seasons I know this has been true, it's tiring to actually stay tuned to your heart. It takes quite, good conversations, listening, struggles, understanding who it is God says I am to actually have a barometer as to how your/my heart is doing.

I blame busyness, but it's no real alibi. It is an unknowing culprit sure, but the part of my heart that wants to be known, loved, not abandoned sometimes loses to the heart that wants nothing to do with warmth, or friendly faces - rather it wants dark, secrets, it's own "law"......

No real conclusion here except for the fact that we need be ware of our own heart's wanderings, to abandon your own heart is an option you have. It's one the old self desires stronger than anything, the old self is put to death by the new self that is Christ.

"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life" - Prov 4:23

bachelor pad

so this is just a random post about my bachelor pad - I wasn't feeling too hot at work so I came home to wrap up. Turns out some single ladies were waiting for me.




there were about 50 on the wall....still not sure how exactly i will remove them without killing them......any ideas? a weird bug issue to have.

ergh

sometimes you are just lost for words - to God, one another, yourself. Something in your stomach says to "speak up" - but everything else contradicts it. Perhaps it's because silence is awkward, or conventional wisdom says "that would make them feel weird", either way you let the moment pass and you regret it.
but you're not sure why - we're you to be fast friends with that person you let pass, perhaps meet a "soul mate", entertain an angel, or just have a conversation with the above? No telling, but you regret it.

Regret is a horrible feeling, it makes my stomach hurt.
I live with it too often, yet feel like it may be a healthy barometer at times because I believe my expectations, that are consistently unmet by myself and companions, are way off. My expectations live in a microwave, as I have this deep entitlement syndrome that is like a crack addict looking for their next hit - and will do anything to get it.
If I didn't have regret on any level, it would mean (given my current soul situation) that I am doing some things that are detrimental to my soul's long term health. If I just acted on every nudge, and didn't "chicken out" what shape would I be in today?

I often thanks God for my weird pubescent years - I would have probably slept with anyone that would have given me a chance - so glad that no one would. Granted i still struggle with what the world calls self esteem from this period of time - however I would rather struggle with that versus some other items that would have come from having my way then.

perhaps this doesn't make sense or perhaps your wondering why is roy blogging about this....either way, thanks for reading.

get-a-way

sometimes we just have to get away, get some time to think.....this past saturday I had that opportunity. growing up in Houston i didn't get the chance to enjoy any kind of topography, an occasional hill due to some unsightly drainage ditch or something was the extent of it.
now I can be at a place like this in about an hour and half and exhale......

exhale is what I don't do much as of late. my chest just feels this constant compression, one that grows day by day until I can't breath any more - creativity stunted, conversations have run dry, and spiritually anemic. while spiritual disciplines have their place, so do spiritual liberations - nature is this for me.

picture of the falls from the suspension bridge






my two preferred shoe styles






an overlook at a set of falls








the colors are out, and calling your name

human condition

There is this "something" (a need) that we constantly seek. The something recognized usually possesses all three characteristics from my perspective;
a) the need recognition does not always come in the same form or fashion (lonely, jealous, tired, waiting for something different, desire to be loved, etc)
b) it fails to ever be completely met (The need I had was met, yet I am still left wanting. Or if the need was met I am still left wanting in another category, that did not exist prior. Defined:I am lonely but I now I have someone, yet I still need something. I am still lonely or come to find out it was something completely different.)
c) it fails to be completely defined, aka there is this unrest at the soul level and I cant possibly put words to.

Many of my conversations this week have had this similar trait to them, lots of us (me in the middle) are suffering from disappointment. Disappointment to a variety of degrees - however disappointment none the less. There are redemptive aspects to our disappointment however - the fact that we long for a condition that is not met completely is a divine message I believe. On this side of life (meaning, life never ends - I believe in the infinite therefore there are just different stages of life) my need will never fully be realized or met, however I have been given a enough taste of the heavens to know that I am not yet home.

slc ....who knew

turns out Salt Lake City does have a cool vibe, I thought it may have been a little dry (no pun intended). I had good beer, met great people, and totally bombed a sales pitch....so it was a mixed visit. off to atlanta in a few minutes and then to nashville. i have never been to nash. so i am looking forward to good times.

the sampler made the choice an easy one, the Hefeweizen.

vegas

I am leaving Vegas in a few minutes., I have been on the road 8 days and have 6 more to go..good times with my best friend from 1st grade.

airplane moment

Every time I ride an airplane I have this random, yet recurring, moment when I visit the bathroom (not that kind of moment). I look in the little mirror as i wash my hands and all of a sudden it hits me -
"I am freaking flying"
"I am thousands of feet in the air, flying - flying"
And I begin to sorda get this childish grin to even think how nuts that is...the sheer thought of it blows me away. Can you imagine a few hundred years ago a few friends chatting outside their abodes, or in the horse n buggy, or whatever and one of them blurts out - "One day humans will be able to fly" - what lunacy the other friends must have thought. How in the H is anyone going to fly, get real. Granted people can't fly in of themselves, however due to this whole plane thing it is made possible.

A few days after my airplane moment I am sitting in a pretty random, eclectic - cool church in downtown LA held at the Wilshire theater instead of at a typical building. all kinds of people around, Benz's and Buicks, old and young, 5 plastic surgeries or more and people who prob never look in the mirror, black, asian, hispanic and whites....all worshiping together. And then it hits me -
"We are freaking children of God"
Just like the airplane moment, it's this known that I just over look and forget the craziness of it all.This is even crazier than flying though, "a child of God" - how nuts is that? Just try saying it to yourself and if it doesn't make you sorda feel insane, or blush, or shout or flat out shut your mouth then somethings up.
Granted people are not children of God in of themselves, however due to this whole Christ thing it is made possible.

last nights sleep just like the day before

go to sleep eager to wake so I can right the day past

only to find my notions fleeting and failing.
yet again a day past.

wake again, only to find my notions fleeting and failing.
nothing different, I am.

all selfish, all just ambition.
yet again, i do not fleet or fail.

work late

its the right night to have to work supa' late....Radio Head's new album came out -In Rainbows -
name your price.

much as of late

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered. _GK Chesterton

My my, what a hindrance my mindset poses to my hands at work. I long to be satisfied not by my work but why I work. i get the equation mixed up daily and wonder why futility lurks around the next corner. contempt lay and wait to pounce, forgetting that I laid the trap. I walk blindly into troubled waters only to find I am stirring the ocean that my own soul drowns in.

my roomie

my roomie dave giggles when he watches UGA football - its sorda weird.

2nd tim

This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time

It says in 2nd Timothy - He started the grace ball rolling before the beginning of time - wow! what does that mean? How does that impact the perspective I have on today? That before he created anything he had thought about Grace. not boulders, not the seas, nor me - but Grace. Fore if I came first, grace would surely not follow.

I commonly think time revolves around me, Roy. Along with the sun, the moon, and everything you do. I am the central character and everyone else plays the antagonist, "get out my way sucka." This all seems to boil down to some form of selfish ambition that I have rooted deep within me. I have found this ambition failing and when it fails the world atrophies along with me (in my head of course, not in real life) (what happens when a star collapses is the picture i get)
and everything just goes to crap. Sunsets are dumb. Friends are a drag. Blah Blah.

All this to say that 2nd Timothy touches me today. My ambition failed many times today and the sunset that i now look at looks glorious, not drab as if my ambition eclipsed even the Lord's creation.

EQ

I have always prized myself as having EQ rather than IQ - i am just not all that bright. However something I have realized;

If your asshole quotient is stronger than your leadership quotient, you will never truly be the latter.
-roy

one of my many struggles.

now wanting what i want

I want not my soul to be free but to be free of my soul.

I know this is not what I truly want, nor is it in my best interest, but sometimes I want a mechanical heart. A heart that will just do as it's told and not talk back and not stab back.

This is not Your will and I am thankful for that. Life, thought, and love would become mere obstacles in the middle of the mundane if a mechanical heart had it's way.

Your grace knows no famine, it can not be contained in any storehouse.

gold for the price of silver

A band that I have been digging more and more - Kings of Convenience. Reflective lyrics with creative instrumentals = a great coffee/reading experience.





If it takes control of your body and soul
embrace it
if it makes you cry or leave you wondering why
don't turn around, face it

but do turn cold
if they promise you gold for the price of silver
if it's chemically made
by people you hate
pinch your arm (pitch around), see if they still there

everything you want is what I got to give you
you just have to let yourself come with me now
everything you want is what I got to give you
there's no time to hesitate, come with me now
let's go and watch the sun rise

over london bridge
over golden gate
or puddefjordsbroen

let your heart run along to the rhythm of the song

different gens

i hung out with guys from 3 generations this evening, not going to lie - it's weird. we are just different. we think different, act different - i even think that when i am at that age, or when they were mine, we would not be much more aligned. the gaps between generations has been loud as of late. it's not bad in the slightest, however it takes patience and selflessness by both parties to understand the other.

what my GEN Y will do during their life I don't know.

grandma's glasses

i sto' em.

blog me this

so I sit here and have written out a few blogs so I can start getting back into the swing of things. reality is I am sorda tired of writing about the same ol same ol roy-ism stuff. i think i want to try something new on here - not sure what that means yet. Hope to post more frequently and introduce certain curiosities.

bueno quote
melancholy should be an innocent interlude, a tender and fugitive frame of mind; praise should be the permanent pulsation of the soul. Pessimism is at best an emotional half-holiday; joy is the uproarious labour by which all things live.
-gk.

ponder

you can't always explain it;
the room seems quieter than usual. things move slower and you even have time to stop and ponder in between events. people's words stand out, everything is more sensitive. your walls seem thinner, your mask stays on the shelf.

Then something happens, you turn it all off, put the walls up, and go about your merry way. Perhaps that something is sleep, the TV, your checkbook, work - either way, when found in these positions, find the streams and soak it up. roll in the green pastures and stain your clothes. Burn the memory in, for the path to get back to that place will soon seem daunting when those same walls cave in.

the lush country side can be found around every corner and in a variety of nooks - you can't get there alone, you must have a friend lead you to such places.

flight delay ....

lets see how many diuretics i can drink in the crown room before my flight.
2 coffees
1 killians
1 rum and coke
1 diet coke
counting......

walk run crawl crawl walk run crawl

That's about the pattern of my "walk" right now - if you understand Christian-ese you know that "walk" means my relationship with God, or rather the recent happenings. This can be weighted by time in the word, affections towards him, time in prayer, feeding the homeless, etc, etc.

Am I fooling myself with these different paces or a category for how my walk is doing?

Let's suppose crawling equals .4mph, walk .9, and run 1.3 - am I fooling myself with thinking that at any given point my "walk" actually equals .4 because I am not doing XY & two times a day doing Z? Or that I am running well at 1.4mph because I did Z three times and Y & Z twice?

Is it not the stage where you crawl that then allows you to break into a "sprint" (1.9mph)?

Grace, being the free agent that it is, can cause a paraplegic to dance and allow a walk to break into a sprint at any given point. I tend to think that my walk is doing as good as I am doing. While this may not align with Joel O, that is thinking far too great of myself and my doings. If I were to be sprinting at 1.9mph, it can not be for any reason except the free agent that both rests and burns within my soul.

Therefore my walk, your walk, is not based on XY & Z, however it's based on A - the point at which you could move your limbs, the moment you became alive. What's the difference between 0mph and 1mph? 1 mile an hour right? Sure - but philosophically speaking one does not move at 0mph, therefore it is all the difference in the world to be moving. You can not say how many times faster is 1mph than 0mph. It's infinitely faster, therefore immeasurable. How many times faster is 2mph than 1mph - 2 times faster. Therefore it is measurable. When it is measurable it is no longer holy, or grace filled, or note worthy. It is the infinite that should be praised, not the measure of movement, but movement.

I am not saying XY & Z are not important - just saying that if you based your "walk" on those things you are SOL.

thoughts getting ready for july 22

lame

I am a lame blogger.

Travel

so I am a fan of travel, that is nothing new....however I have had the first hints of not wanting to travel. I am 6 days in to my 10 day trip (Vegas --> Cali). While the places are fun I just want to be home. Something about your couch, your toilet, your TV - your friends.

It has something to do with being alone. It is good and all, but I have had some moments I just wish someone was near me.(took me an hour to find a parking spot at this one coffee shop - i stuck it out to find crappy coffee and expensive internet - i spent 5 minutes there, ergh - i somehow think it would have been fun if someone was with me)

I have used an analogy at work lately related to technology, so I will change it some so it can apply - - If I had no friends, none, I would never have drama, never get hurt, always get my way, the toilet seat would always be down in my house (what you get when you shared a BR with your sis growing up), etc.

Flip side - I would never listen, never get comforted or listened to, i would not be able to give, I would be completely self seeking, rome solo all of the time, laugh little, experience less, have no witnesses, no freedom.

away from home.

suicide

I read the news of a suicide and it was not fun to read. not fun to think about. not fun to blog about. However, though I am sure this man was nice and did honorable things - at the core, it still seemed to not be enough.

Though this sounds trite, and hard, and not sensitive - but I would follow in his footsteps if it was not for something More.
Everyman must deal with the fact that something does indeed exist.

Click Here
and
Here - to read a discussion board thread about it

while having a black & tan at the Harp

I sit here and watch the clock, grow anxious, wanting to get on to the next thing.
Only, to get to the next thing means waiting once again for the next thing.
The ability to think within the moment, within that certain interaction, is the ability to enjoy life. Anxiousness and tomorrow have much in common.

no different

my known need is not different from yours, we fancy filling them in different forms and fashions - however the basis remains the same. from my own felt need I have been given the ability to treat your need.

other
I have a new goal, to make my close friends feel awkward at least 2 times a day. this is done through;
-touching a confident male softly on the back of arm and rubbing it slowly
-telling him anything in a whisper, such as; "chinese food", "wanna play (pause) tennis", "how bout those braves".
-clapping and cheering when they achieve something like;opening a car door, receiving their food at a restaurant, after completing a flight of stairs, etc (in public of course)
-not breaking eye contact for at least 60 seconds
-call them "sweetie" or "darling" - works on both sexes

however

however i act you are still unchanging. for the basis of truth shall not depend on the actions of the finite. for my infinitude depends on yours; not on my actions or my god complex.

for my joy wholly resides apart from me, however due to grace - within. for this gives a stable basis for a life that seems to waver consistently on peripherals and on the pillars.

sad to

sad to see it go. I just had my last sip of Gulden Draak - a fabulous beer served at my two of my atlanta favorites - Octane Coffee (where I am now) and Brick Store Pub.

I have not blogged much as of late, a few reasons as to why - of which I will not go into here.

However, might I say I have noticed things as of late. Noticed being the operative word, reflecting the naivety of a certain level of living. I have, in the last year, been amidst as to what has been going on at a soul level. I have conversed little about heavenly things as work and other items have become weightier topics of conversation, both socially and on my pillow at night. I confess that I can barely go a few minutes without thinking about work. I love it, bottom line - I love work. What I do, where it's taking me, and what it gives me the ability to do. However, all that said - I gravitate towards financial models versus the bible. Wow.

The reality of sucking at both, financial models and reading the bible, I gravitate still towards financial models. They are in excel, and after much degradation can be understood to a certain level. While my soul, still remains a mystery. Why do I do what I do, react the way I do, hide when certain things are uncovered, and uncover things that should remain hidden?

The soul baffles me. The loving of another soul baffles me further as I come to understand the complexity of my own soul and attempt to apply that knowledge to people within my sphere through the tending of their needs, desires, wants, passsions........their soul.

Tis this life, and all that comes within it, that confirms the complexity, rather my inability, of it all.

ode

i have not blogged in a bit....tomorrow i plan on running the bath water, lighting some candles, pouring a glass of wine, and blogging. what a night.

check the gatherings blog too (on the right)!

fan of the arts

I am a fan of the arts, most people who know me - know that i likey me some art. HOWEVER what I am now witnessing in a coffee shop in Seabrook, Tx is a travesty. My head is starting to hurt - but they have free wifi and good coffee so i continue to sit here.

Where does appreciation and "knowing when to fold them" collide?

deep junk

no matter what man thinks, he has to deal with the problem that something is there.

soft my soul says v2

subtlety speaks loudly, settling one's soul.
it's not the loud that reminds, however it is the constant rendition of the truth condition that brings the soul back to form - it's original intent. rom 5.

listening to
the chieftains

good love....

I like Chesterton, I think he may be my next read. Here are a couple of good quotes from GK.

If there were no God, there would be no Atheists.

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.

a little bit of suburbia never hurt anyone, it just may kill them

The antithesis between the Christian life and the life of the bourgeois respectability is at an end. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I am making my way through one of Dietrich Bonhoeffer's books - The Cost of Discipleship. The above quote captures the essence of the book - and while the book overall meets some criticism, it has redeeming elements thus far. This quote being one of them.

Basically he is saying that the Christian settles for status quo. It was assumed that the bourgeois lifestyle and the Christian lifestyle were mutually exclusive at one time - however as the perceived populous, we have grown comfortable and contrite in things other than God. I am apart of this populous granted, often settling for the same sum because i continue to do my math with the same formula.

In my d|group we had a discussion about being radical - it boiled down to being a completely intrinsic notion. Not being able to be captured by film, rather by one's conversation into the night while they lay on their bed. This does not make the equation easy, for it now demands the individual to seek out the things of God not based on "passer bye's" perceptions. When holiness conforms to those around, it is completely predictable and could lead you to do "great things" - it's easy, however the burden is heavy and you carry it on your own.

Radical could thus mean; staying home on a Friday, not cussing at the person who cut you off on 285, telling your father about Jesus, or simply watching what you eat. Chances are radical things start in your closet, by living a quite radical life. It's not as fancy and loud as we think, rather it's done first at the dinner table before it's found on a stage somewhere in Uganda or even at your local church.

This is not an excuse to not do grand things (yes it's true, a double negative), but a reason to take personal holiness seriously - when no one is watching and no one is applauding.

rescue.

a paradox for sure; the feeling of not wanting to die and to somehow find complete peace on this earth, this side of the return, versus feeling utterly helpless and feeling miles away from any kind of shore. we sit and wait and wrestle. and live. and laugh. and delight in some pleasures that are surely a hint of the pleasures forever to come.

in his wake we find these things, these things that give hope and peace while leaving an appetite for more.

what one must do without such delights? I care not find out.

some reason

i find it unpredictable.
the way it wakes and what causes it to sleep.
i don't know where it comes from and why it consumes, but it does.
one's eyes can recognize an other's eyes filled with such a thing.
familiarity in no way breeds contempt, rather it lets one exhale.
release. love. live.

cool site

check this site out
http://www.mediastorm.org

An interesting use of media for sure.

a wasp

Ode to Monday. I walked in the office and what do you know - there are two wasps in my office, glued to the ceiling above where I sit. I am known in every circle I run in as the guy who is pretty much deathly afraid of bees (one of those deep psychology moments when i was about 6). I am also allergic, so I have an excuse.

I am rather disrupted this morning, the wasp thing .....I am not even joking another just flew at my head.....yeesh. Just killed two more, actually my co-worker Robert helped me. That makes 4. Back to my blog.

current climate
I am rather disrupted this morning, the wasp thing just fit inside the larger story this morning. I find that I am almost always perturbed at myself. I am constantly failing, not meeting my personal and professional goals, and letting people down. I have never grown accustom to failure, it's always as equally frustrating even as it gets more common. CS Lewis says something to the effect - a clumsy man is not found to be clumsy while sitting, he is found out when he stands.
Lately I just want to sit down. I want to stop failing, stop being human and just take on the properties of a machine at times. Void of emotion, void of temptation, void of - everything painful. This also means void of life. People often hate when it rains not realizing it is the rain that allows for such beauty to be enjoyed on the sunnier of days. This is the vacuum I am currently under. Seeing the frustration and not the hope nor the grounds for which life is truly composed. I fathom so little the grandeur, while i have become well tuned to understand the climate of current stresses. This leaves one looking for the shore amongst a sea that seemingly never ends.

thanks for reading.

I just killed a 5th, you can ask Robby even.

a little work

i feel tired. perhaps more tired than ever. usually when i am this tired i am a little pissed at the world. I am not this time round. I see being overwhelmed as an opportunity for deliverance. (not every second or anything, but overall that's the mood).

i am sorda asking;
how long can i keep this pace?
what does this turn in to? then what? then what? then die?
if I die tomorrow will I regret hard work/noble efforts/wasted efforts? (not like I would actually regret anything bc I am dead)

i sorda feel like I am wired exactly for the organization i work for and wired to work with the people I work with. that is great to know, great to walk in to work knowing there is more "behind the scenes."

there is a book that has come out - "Run with the Bulls" - that basically tells of 85% of people not liking their jobs. I could not imagine that, however I talk to people all the time where that is reality. i wonder if some of the 85% were just like me and got: a)burned by their job b) burned out c) some life crisis hit - either way I am sure I will confront 1 of the 3 if not all three at some point in my life. I do not look forward to that day, I am thankful that I don't see that on any horizon - however I hope to be able to help/spur/listen to those who are there now.

in asheville

work brought me to NC for a night, so I decided to stay an extra and hit up Asheville. I have gotten the travel bug as of late, this is the longest stint since 2004 w/o going over seas - so I am trying to get it where I can. It's not the same, but it is a shadow of such adventures.
currently
I am in a great coffee shop that is playing some Sitar music, so I think they knew i was coming. Tons of pubs, old book stores, mts. all around, and hippies - this is my kind of town. I am a closet hippie.

today brings

"we shall not seek to understand in order that we may believe, but to believe in order that we may understand" - aw tozer

This is "bass aackwards" in my thinking. I take the tangible approach to thought, called pragmatism, often times. While this may be respected in many schools and thought logical in many discussions, it leaves the heart tired. Having to figure everything out before one can walk the actual path that the thought produces leaves one reclined in their chair always pondering and never doing. The fact is I don't understand anything completely. While I sit at this table, on my computer, drinking coffee - there about a thousand things at work that I don't quite understand; from 2nd law of thermodynamics to the physics behind the composite wood of the table, it is all beyond me. I think faith to be an exploration of things unknown, however it is something different - it is an exploration of all things because all things are unknown, when thinking things known, one must not be thinking about things at all - it is only the "normal" things that leave us thinking them known - while all the while they were never known or "normal," just grown accustomed to. One may see the sunset 365 x 25 years and still not fathom all that is at work, I seldom pause and/or wonder - rather I roll over to close the blinds because it disrupts my sleep.

a gap

the philosopher and the scientist will admit that there is much they do not know; but that is quite another thing from admitting that there is something which they can never know, which indeed they have no technique for discovering. To admit that there is One who lies beyond us, who exists outside all of our categories, who will not be dismissed with a name, who will not appear before the bar of our reason, nor submit to our curious inquiries: this requires a great deal of humility, more than most of us possess, so we save face by thinking God down to our level, or at least down to where we can manage him. Yet how he eludes us - aw tozer

That is where I live day to day, managing God. After all I manage; my calender, my contacts, my sales calls, my Friday nights. This god is not the God of Abraham, Jacob, Moses, or the 10 year old Roy - this is the one who I have placed under my dogma, leaving little wiggle room for his mean, methods, or time table. If it is not within my reason or understanding I just don't go there.

I dumb down for my audience so I can double my dollars - jay z (genius given the current state of the music business)

Ephesians 2 has to set in for truth to take hold. This chapter has been my wrestling ring lately, I have yet to win. I find that to be the core of what i accomplish daily - dumb him down so I can understand and predict him.
I posted regarding this same thought here too.


experiment
Yesterday I just drove, drove north. Not really knowing where to go or how to get there - i ended up at Bear Gap just north of Dahlonega, GA. A nice 4 mile hike, about 1.2 miles off the Appalachian Trail. The trail peaks with a wood bench over looking "Bear Gap." I suggest the hike, more so I just suggest just getting out, "out of pocket" as the trendy business man says (stab at self). Matt B spoke a couple of weeks ago about talking out loud versus thinking to your self, subjecting your thoughts to the air somehow dually subjects it to truth. I used the trail versus the isles of Target for such an experiment. If you are highly introspective and seldom subject your thoughts to the air or others because you feel alone in the matter, I suggest trying it. Perhaps not a trail, perhaps just a walk or a chat on the back porch. You will look weird, sound weird no doubt

trying

i really am trying to find time to post, but no love.
things are busy, a good kind of busy.

come see Garrett and Evan, see here for more info....
February 28th at Eddie's Attic

soc

my theories, oh how beautiful.
don't you buy them, endorse them, just adore them?
may it be to your despise if you demise what i theorize.

my heretics exasperate, but I have no consciousness thereof - agree with me you naysayer, buy my dogma, it's for sale.

what it means
to be a little less vague, the above is a stream of consciousness (soc) I had while listening to some Dabrye (see music to the right). I get to a degree of annoyance where I just sorda go off on these soc. they are insight to the condition of my soul. most often they are where my best ideas come from, sometimes it's also where my skeletons are found. they are ambitious thoughts that call for so much personal bandwidth to carry out that I actually carry out very little of what labor they make available thus creating a personal feeling of contempt for being unable to act on passions.

that's all.

music
I think the soc thing has played with my music preference as of late. I got on iTunes late last night and just started clicking "buy" - when done i realized that everything i bought was instrumental, many of them beat driven. i have a new name for these - "think beats" - it is absolutely amazing how much work i can get done when listening to them or the visuals i think off. It's, to date, the greatest productivity tool I have found.

soft my soul says

subtle sounds appease the ear. nothing boisterous, or loud, or arrogant. my soul can't handle it, Yo-yo ma has become my friend as of late.

it wanders to and fro. often dissapointed, settling for thirds versus firsts. i see older men and all of a sudden understand.

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them. -thoreau

Losing wonder and sleep you stubtly find that the tides have carried you off course. The destination is somewhere over the horizon, however you have no clue which horizon. You climb many a peak only to find it absent, despite what the marketing messages scream.

however, there is a hope that does not dissapoint. I have never been dissapointed by it, however I have found my self dissapointed by not buying it. I don't lay my head to rest there, however it is where i fall. Not gracefully, might I add. Not to be mentioned on the resume of life or on a first date, i find my falling an area of non-discussion. i am proud. therefore i am shamed. i think much of self, therefore think too much of self. not necessarly thinking less of myself, just wanting to think of my self less and in proper context of the Story at large.

other news
a question that has no answer can either be; A) definitionally impossible; ie. can God create a rock so big he can't move it? - this is like asking him to create a square circle or B) a relative inquiry into the eternal that the temporal facilities can not fathom therefore it is perceived to be a non-answer.

I find A to be what I ask of friends and both A & B to be what I ask of God.

patterns of speech

could be called poetry, prose to be more specific, or just conversation.

each of us carry a number of traits (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc) that, if you truly watch a person, break forth in interaction. If you see the person enough, and you see them through some varying seasons in life, their communication becomes one large canvas made up of patterns.

I have attempted to observe the pattern that I put forth day in & day out. I know when eye contact is broken and what it means for me and what I do afterwards. I know that when I get teary I look to the ground and when I am thinking I look at the sky. I stumble on my words when I don't believe in them fully or I believe them so dearly they make for rocks in my throat.

I have observed my pattern of speech with the creator as well. I know that the conversation largely centers around the "weather" because I feel guilty. I know that I shake my head when His grace is loud and that I hide when His grace seems quiet.

I know your pattern of conversation if I love you. I like mannerisms, I always have. I like bugging people because that's when they come out most (also when they are thinking and they think no ones is looking).

smaller things

it's just not there and you know it.
you muster, you fight, you ask - the luster is gone. You don't know where it went and how to get it back.

You treat puddles like oceans and grazes like embraces.
you must settle for the smaller things, the quieter things. not the things in movies, not the things epics are written about, but the things that are real.

state of the union.

learning

i don't know if i am getting wiser per-say, but i am learning alot. I would attribute the word wise to the knowledge of reality/truth compared to your actions in light of that knowledge/truth, the narrower that gap the more wise you are. Simply stated, its the practical knowledge that you put into practice.

I think back on actions I have taken and simply blush or do this thing with my head where i shake it, this can also be seen if you watch me while listening to radiohead. Translated, I have had many not-so-wise moments.

Wisdom can consciously be applied to a situation, or a series of events, that call you to make a decision. However, the application of wisdom will meet opposition if this actual application of wisdom has not: a) ever been attempted by you personally b) is highly emotional c) you just don't feel like being wise.

Life has called for more wisdom as of late. I welcome it, hoping it does not cause another radiohead action somewhere down the road.