ergh

sometimes you are just lost for words - to God, one another, yourself. Something in your stomach says to "speak up" - but everything else contradicts it. Perhaps it's because silence is awkward, or conventional wisdom says "that would make them feel weird", either way you let the moment pass and you regret it.
but you're not sure why - we're you to be fast friends with that person you let pass, perhaps meet a "soul mate", entertain an angel, or just have a conversation with the above? No telling, but you regret it.

Regret is a horrible feeling, it makes my stomach hurt.
I live with it too often, yet feel like it may be a healthy barometer at times because I believe my expectations, that are consistently unmet by myself and companions, are way off. My expectations live in a microwave, as I have this deep entitlement syndrome that is like a crack addict looking for their next hit - and will do anything to get it.
If I didn't have regret on any level, it would mean (given my current soul situation) that I am doing some things that are detrimental to my soul's long term health. If I just acted on every nudge, and didn't "chicken out" what shape would I be in today?

I often thanks God for my weird pubescent years - I would have probably slept with anyone that would have given me a chance - so glad that no one would. Granted i still struggle with what the world calls self esteem from this period of time - however I would rather struggle with that versus some other items that would have come from having my way then.

perhaps this doesn't make sense or perhaps your wondering why is roy blogging about this....either way, thanks for reading.