Ode to Monday. I walked in the office and what do you know - there are two wasps in my office, glued to the ceiling above where I sit. I am known in every circle I run in as the guy who is pretty much deathly afraid of bees (one of those deep psychology moments when i was about 6). I am also allergic, so I have an excuse.
I am rather disrupted this morning, the wasp thing .....I am not even joking another just flew at my head.....yeesh. Just killed two more, actually my co-worker Robert helped me. That makes 4. Back to my blog.
current climate
I am rather disrupted this morning, the wasp thing just fit inside the larger story this morning. I find that I am almost always perturbed at myself. I am constantly failing, not meeting my personal and professional goals, and letting people down. I have never grown accustom to failure, it's always as equally frustrating even as it gets more common. CS Lewis says something to the effect - a clumsy man is not found to be clumsy while sitting, he is found out when he stands.
Lately I just want to sit down. I want to stop failing, stop being human and just take on the properties of a machine at times. Void of emotion, void of temptation, void of - everything painful. This also means void of life. People often hate when it rains not realizing it is the rain that allows for such beauty to be enjoyed on the sunnier of days. This is the vacuum I am currently under. Seeing the frustration and not the hope nor the grounds for which life is truly composed. I fathom so little the grandeur, while i have become well tuned to understand the climate of current stresses. This leaves one looking for the shore amongst a sea that seemingly never ends.
thanks for reading.
I just killed a 5th, you can ask Robby even.
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somecognition :: a pondering of all things un-final.
2 comments:
Sorry about the wasps. I empathize with you about wanting to stay seated. It's definitely hard to fail. I think it's probably one of my all time fears, because of my fear of not measuring up to people's expectation of me. But it's cool to see His grace flow through our inadequacies. "not that we are adequate within ourselves, but He has made us adequate." That gives me at least a little bit of confidence to try and stand up.
By the way, I like the rain analogy.
reminds me of another CSL quote i read the other day: -“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” life is in the stress and the mess right?
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