cool site

check this site out
http://www.mediastorm.org

An interesting use of media for sure.

a wasp

Ode to Monday. I walked in the office and what do you know - there are two wasps in my office, glued to the ceiling above where I sit. I am known in every circle I run in as the guy who is pretty much deathly afraid of bees (one of those deep psychology moments when i was about 6). I am also allergic, so I have an excuse.

I am rather disrupted this morning, the wasp thing .....I am not even joking another just flew at my head.....yeesh. Just killed two more, actually my co-worker Robert helped me. That makes 4. Back to my blog.

current climate
I am rather disrupted this morning, the wasp thing just fit inside the larger story this morning. I find that I am almost always perturbed at myself. I am constantly failing, not meeting my personal and professional goals, and letting people down. I have never grown accustom to failure, it's always as equally frustrating even as it gets more common. CS Lewis says something to the effect - a clumsy man is not found to be clumsy while sitting, he is found out when he stands.
Lately I just want to sit down. I want to stop failing, stop being human and just take on the properties of a machine at times. Void of emotion, void of temptation, void of - everything painful. This also means void of life. People often hate when it rains not realizing it is the rain that allows for such beauty to be enjoyed on the sunnier of days. This is the vacuum I am currently under. Seeing the frustration and not the hope nor the grounds for which life is truly composed. I fathom so little the grandeur, while i have become well tuned to understand the climate of current stresses. This leaves one looking for the shore amongst a sea that seemingly never ends.

thanks for reading.

I just killed a 5th, you can ask Robby even.

a little work

i feel tired. perhaps more tired than ever. usually when i am this tired i am a little pissed at the world. I am not this time round. I see being overwhelmed as an opportunity for deliverance. (not every second or anything, but overall that's the mood).

i am sorda asking;
how long can i keep this pace?
what does this turn in to? then what? then what? then die?
if I die tomorrow will I regret hard work/noble efforts/wasted efforts? (not like I would actually regret anything bc I am dead)

i sorda feel like I am wired exactly for the organization i work for and wired to work with the people I work with. that is great to know, great to walk in to work knowing there is more "behind the scenes."

there is a book that has come out - "Run with the Bulls" - that basically tells of 85% of people not liking their jobs. I could not imagine that, however I talk to people all the time where that is reality. i wonder if some of the 85% were just like me and got: a)burned by their job b) burned out c) some life crisis hit - either way I am sure I will confront 1 of the 3 if not all three at some point in my life. I do not look forward to that day, I am thankful that I don't see that on any horizon - however I hope to be able to help/spur/listen to those who are there now.

in asheville

work brought me to NC for a night, so I decided to stay an extra and hit up Asheville. I have gotten the travel bug as of late, this is the longest stint since 2004 w/o going over seas - so I am trying to get it where I can. It's not the same, but it is a shadow of such adventures.
currently
I am in a great coffee shop that is playing some Sitar music, so I think they knew i was coming. Tons of pubs, old book stores, mts. all around, and hippies - this is my kind of town. I am a closet hippie.

today brings

"we shall not seek to understand in order that we may believe, but to believe in order that we may understand" - aw tozer

This is "bass aackwards" in my thinking. I take the tangible approach to thought, called pragmatism, often times. While this may be respected in many schools and thought logical in many discussions, it leaves the heart tired. Having to figure everything out before one can walk the actual path that the thought produces leaves one reclined in their chair always pondering and never doing. The fact is I don't understand anything completely. While I sit at this table, on my computer, drinking coffee - there about a thousand things at work that I don't quite understand; from 2nd law of thermodynamics to the physics behind the composite wood of the table, it is all beyond me. I think faith to be an exploration of things unknown, however it is something different - it is an exploration of all things because all things are unknown, when thinking things known, one must not be thinking about things at all - it is only the "normal" things that leave us thinking them known - while all the while they were never known or "normal," just grown accustomed to. One may see the sunset 365 x 25 years and still not fathom all that is at work, I seldom pause and/or wonder - rather I roll over to close the blinds because it disrupts my sleep.

a gap

the philosopher and the scientist will admit that there is much they do not know; but that is quite another thing from admitting that there is something which they can never know, which indeed they have no technique for discovering. To admit that there is One who lies beyond us, who exists outside all of our categories, who will not be dismissed with a name, who will not appear before the bar of our reason, nor submit to our curious inquiries: this requires a great deal of humility, more than most of us possess, so we save face by thinking God down to our level, or at least down to where we can manage him. Yet how he eludes us - aw tozer

That is where I live day to day, managing God. After all I manage; my calender, my contacts, my sales calls, my Friday nights. This god is not the God of Abraham, Jacob, Moses, or the 10 year old Roy - this is the one who I have placed under my dogma, leaving little wiggle room for his mean, methods, or time table. If it is not within my reason or understanding I just don't go there.

I dumb down for my audience so I can double my dollars - jay z (genius given the current state of the music business)

Ephesians 2 has to set in for truth to take hold. This chapter has been my wrestling ring lately, I have yet to win. I find that to be the core of what i accomplish daily - dumb him down so I can understand and predict him.
I posted regarding this same thought here too.


experiment
Yesterday I just drove, drove north. Not really knowing where to go or how to get there - i ended up at Bear Gap just north of Dahlonega, GA. A nice 4 mile hike, about 1.2 miles off the Appalachian Trail. The trail peaks with a wood bench over looking "Bear Gap." I suggest the hike, more so I just suggest just getting out, "out of pocket" as the trendy business man says (stab at self). Matt B spoke a couple of weeks ago about talking out loud versus thinking to your self, subjecting your thoughts to the air somehow dually subjects it to truth. I used the trail versus the isles of Target for such an experiment. If you are highly introspective and seldom subject your thoughts to the air or others because you feel alone in the matter, I suggest trying it. Perhaps not a trail, perhaps just a walk or a chat on the back porch. You will look weird, sound weird no doubt

trying

i really am trying to find time to post, but no love.
things are busy, a good kind of busy.

come see Garrett and Evan, see here for more info....
February 28th at Eddie's Attic

soc

my theories, oh how beautiful.
don't you buy them, endorse them, just adore them?
may it be to your despise if you demise what i theorize.

my heretics exasperate, but I have no consciousness thereof - agree with me you naysayer, buy my dogma, it's for sale.

what it means
to be a little less vague, the above is a stream of consciousness (soc) I had while listening to some Dabrye (see music to the right). I get to a degree of annoyance where I just sorda go off on these soc. they are insight to the condition of my soul. most often they are where my best ideas come from, sometimes it's also where my skeletons are found. they are ambitious thoughts that call for so much personal bandwidth to carry out that I actually carry out very little of what labor they make available thus creating a personal feeling of contempt for being unable to act on passions.

that's all.

music
I think the soc thing has played with my music preference as of late. I got on iTunes late last night and just started clicking "buy" - when done i realized that everything i bought was instrumental, many of them beat driven. i have a new name for these - "think beats" - it is absolutely amazing how much work i can get done when listening to them or the visuals i think off. It's, to date, the greatest productivity tool I have found.